The Tortise

Patience is something that never came easy to me. I suppose it's something that you grow into as you grow up. I've never heard anyone make that a new year's eve goal or actively pursue patience. You just wake up one day and realize, you have it. For me, I've woken up to realize not only do I have it: but I probably have too much of it. I've got excess, to the extent that I may even forget that I am waiting on something. Or, perhaps, it's not patience that I've achieved, but plain old forgetfulness and a full fledge case of scatter brain.

I've been actively trying to lose weight since November 27, 2010. When I put that date out there, I realize what a long time ago that was. Half a year has nearly come and gone through this effort to lose pounds, and my success has been gradual. One might even refer to it as a failure, if one was not me. My glass is half full, and probably with some type of diet coke, skim milk or v8.

I've been up some weeks and down others. To the people who see me everyday of my life, they probably think I am lying about even losing weight because it has been this gradual seesaw.

I'm now officially under the "210" mark. Which excites me. I can see those numbers 2 - 0 - X staring out at me and I know I will never see another 2 - 1 - X. I vow to never go over the 209 threshold again. It is comforting. It is what keeps me going. Because I know when I can see a 2 - 0 - X, that someday the 2 will permanently be erased on my scale at the front end of my weight and that thrills me. No more going to the doctor and having them look at me and have to clunk that little brick to the 200 slot. Not that they really use those anymore, but somehow my brain got stuck in 1990 and that's the only scale I envision at a doctor's office. Really, they should come up with some digital version of the antique instead of those big digital numbers at the office. Makes it feel like a more genuine experience.....

I began this journey at 224 and now sit at a solid 208.5 which is really only a mere 15 pounds in 25 weeks, or 0.6 pounds per week.

What absolutely thrills me, though? 46.5 total inches off of my body with that 0.6 pounds per week! I am losing a little over 1.5 inches per week. I have nearly lost FIFTY INCHES since I began this journey. What is MOST exciting about that, though...is that most of it is in my tummy area. I no longer measure over "50 inches" in ANY area of my body. My tummy area used to measure at 50 inches. I now have lost 9 inches and only measure at 41. 

Even more exciting? Anyone whose got "tummy weight" can understand that belly fat doesn't just..sit there...as you sit down. No, it moves as you move.....so a shirt might look fabulous standing up...but the moment you sit down...you've got more rolls than the pillsbury dough boy. You think...if I can just stand up ALL DAY..nobody will notice. ha!

So now...as I sit..I still have my inevitable "belly fat spread" but I am now SMALLER sitting down than I was standing up when I started in November. I never measured what my "sitting down" tummy measurement was in November, but now it is 48 inches, two inches LESS than what it was standing up in November. So I am pleased to say I am now smaller sitting down than I was standing up....and let's face it....that's progress!!!

Where to from here? My goal is to get to 160. At this rate, it will take me 81 weeks to lose the last 48.5 pounds or December 21, 2013. I guess I need to step up my game a little bit!

I know that I look GOOD at 180, so that's my "little goal" point! 28.5 more pounds. I can do that.

How I'm doing it

To say that I've been working "hard" on my weight loss is an overstatement. In my opinion, I have been working moderately on my weight loss. It's cliche, I know, to say that it is not a "diet" but a lifestyle and I think that this really is true. I'm not putting all my resources into losing weight or dieting. I'm just incorporating it in the background as a part of a new way of life.

I have lost my weight slow and inconsistently and I know that I am still very much at the beginning of this journey. I got on the scale one day and saw 224 staring at me. It was the most I had ever seen on the scale. I was now officially bigger than I was at 8 months pregnant merely days before having my child. I was swollen and retaining water and highly affected by pre-ecalmpsia carrying a child, and yet now I still weighed more. Enough was enough. I am now halfway to the 200 mark. Once I can hit "199", I will feel like a "real person" again. Which, I know sounds bad. But when you are staring at a number with a 2 in front of it and you are only 5'3", it is pretty depressing! My ultimate goal is 160, which charts consider to be overweight but I feel it is a good weight for me. We'll see once I get closer :)

I don't really like the idea of following a particular "diet". I just like to have a "good idea". I suppose you could call this my "Dogma Diet". I compiled bits of information that I have heard over the years and coupled it with common sense and this has been the springboard to my moderate success.

It is my goal to loose this weight very slowly. In 11 weeks, I have lost a total of 12 pounds and 38.25 inches. Overall, it has been my intention to loose 64 pounds, so I know that I have a very very long way to go. I am okay with that. Patience is a virtue and I consider myself to be quite virtuous ;) Most of the inches I have lost are right around my midsection, where it's needed and where it can seriously have some health benefits. Seven and a half of those inches have been from around my belly and five from around my waist. It's very exciting.

So what have I done in order to lose my 12 pounds and 38.25 inches? I've set myself up to succeed.

First of all, I took the advice of many of you on my facebook page and decided to actually require myself to count calories. I found a great little application on my smartphone called simply "calorie counter". It isn't a very complex application, and many of them are much more complicated and detailed. I don't want the detail and couldnt' be bothered with the specifics. This counter simply allows me to put in any food I eat and any calories I burn and includes calories you burn for just "resting" and "sleeping". You add your weight into the application and note how you plan to lose your weight. I set mine for "slow weight loss" and "minimal activity". This way I am not setting the bar too high. If my activity exceeds "minimal", my calculations will be "off" in my favor. The application came up with a total of 2,300 calories a day. Not bad, eh? Most days, I fall far below it..but somedays I will play jump rope with that number :)

My plan includes speeding up my sluggish metabolism. I decided the best way to speed up a metabolism is to put something into my digestive system on a much more consistent basis. I began with healthy, low calorie snacking all the time. I am ALWAYS eating. I pack snacks and take them to work...I snack at home..wherever I am. I always have something on me: granola bars or cuties..whatever is handy. A few of my favorite snacks are small cans of tuna, cherry tomatoes, granola bars, sugar free jell-o, celery, carrots, cheese sticks, yogurt, strawberries, apples etc. I don't eat much: just enough to tide me over. Nothing over 200 calories, but generally closer to 100 - 150 per snack. This keeps me fuller, so when I do eat a meal I notice that I eat less..I just cut the sizes of my meals down and opt to snack instead.

I also cut myself off of regular soda, most days anyway. I added water and diet soda and forced myself to make the switch even though I did not really want to. I think it helps when you aren't drinking your calories.

I also added a gym membership to the mix. I have been working out about every other day. I get up before work and go to the gym in order to do cardio for 30 - 60 minutes (depending on the day) and sometimes add an additional 15 minutes of weight training. It's a nice way for me to start my day. Sometimes I'll hit the gym on the weekends and do a little extra cardio: sometimes I don't. It's always better when I do, but you have to add in that human factor of just complete laziness :)

I have what I consider a "free day". I typically "weigh in" on Saturdays and then utilize Saturday as my free day. On Saturday, I don't count any of my calories. In fact, I make it my mission to eat foods I've been craving all week and eat as many calories as I want. Today, for instance, I went to Burger King and got a whopper with cheese meal, bought fruity candy (my vice), went to the movies and had a real soda and popcorn with butter and then went out and had a few drinks with a meal I ordered with no thought to how many calories consisted inside the contents. I figure if I don't allow myself a day to eat whatever my body has been craving or whatever makes me "weak willed", then I will become weak willed and not have the dedication to continue losing weight. If you constantly deny yourself a cheeseburger, for instance. You are just going to "cheat" with a cheeseburger later and feel bad about yourself. Food should NEVER make you feel guilty or bad for eating it. In a class I took at Purdue we were examining how weight is put into the spotlight with women as "good girls" and "bad girls". Women who are overweight are considered "bad" and those who are not are considered "good". Eating something is considered "sinful". If you watch commercials, they even say that. It's "sinfully decadent" or "it's so good, you'll feel bad". It is ridiculous!

But I digress...eating foods that your body is craving may be because your body actually NEEDS something in that food...or maybe you just really want it ;). Either way, it's good to give your body want it desires. You feel better and my theory is that you will be more successful. I've heard that fluctuating your calories up and down is a good way to speed up your metabolism, and I think that is the same logic as the weight watcher's points.

When I go out to eat, I try not to order an actual meal. If I do, I cut it in half and only eat that half. I think it's easier to do that if you box up half of it right at the beginning so you don't even see it and let it tempt you there. What I prefer to do is to make a meal out of the a la carte section. Sometimes that can add up financially, but it's been a good way for me to go. I've found, however, it can often be cheaper than ordering an actual meal. Often a few a la carte or side dishes together make more than enough to be an entire meal.

It's been a LOOOONNNNGGGG year!

It has been a very long year for me. It's hard for me to even believe that it has all happened in just a year's time. This time last year I was working for a company that had no conscious and would fire you even when you spent every second of your work day doing the work and working hard. In a job that had been sold to me as "social work" but was clearly anything but. I was driving a little over 150 miles a day, between time zones with horrible hours and rarely saw my little girl: stressed about sales goals, numbers, and if I was going to walk into work and lose my job the next day. It was my own personal hell...except..the people.

I had the best co-workers. These people were bonded to me in a way that few people can really understand: once you have been through the fire together: that bond is ever-lasting. We went through the worry and stress and heartache as one. At this job, most people did not decorate their cubicles because it was "just more stuff" you had to take with you when you walked out the door. Sparse cubicles and high stress. Yeah, that's great for your health.

During this past year, while at work, my arm went numb. I went downstairs and took my blood pressure. Despite being on blood pressure medication my blood pressure spiked to somewhere around 200/110. The nurse who took it was dumbfounded. Yes, I'd taken my medication for it this morning. Yes, that is normal for me off meds. Yes, I am sure that I took my pill, Ma'am.

..and then I called the doctor. He advised me to take another blood pressure pill: to double my dose. All would be well.

Hours later I am driving late at night down that stretch of I-65...past Roselawn..Demotte...the beautiful fields of Jasper county...the wind farm in White..and finally into Lafayette. I drove directly to Pay Less (because I had no monitor at home myself). My arm still felt funny..and sure enough..my blood pressure was still sky high after doublilng my dose. I drove straight to the ER.

The doctor on duty looks at me and asks me if I am under a great deal of stress. Of course, I respond. Who wasn't stressed out in that caged office I worked in non-stop? He gives me something via the iv and leaves the room. They check my blood pressure later and it is normal. I wonder what on earth caused my blood pressure to go down so quickly when a double dose had done nothing. "Stress." He tells me. I question him. He had given me an anxiety pill. Talk about feeling like a crazy person. Anxiety? Anxiety could increase my blood pressure to such a dangerously high level despite blood pressure medication?

I took those pills religiously until the day I quit that job. It was the only way to keep my blood pressure normal. Now, those pills are pretty much just a bad memory. I've never had my arm feel that way again..and I've never expressed stress like that since leaving that place.

This year I spent months unemployed feeling like I was never going to get out of this mess I had created by leaving the pit of hell...and then a small miracle when I was offered a job when nobody else wanted me...

..and now...I have made some fabulous friends in my training class in Indianapolis. Granted, most of them are up in northwest Indiana with the rest of my great friends from my previous job...but they are great friends to have (even if it means I won't see them very often or have to drive to find them). I have connected with some old friends in Lafayette and life..is certainly looking up :)

...and now..my goal is "me". Or rather, my vessel. I spent so much time and energy getting my degree and pursuing education to put me and my child in a better place. I graduated, got a good job..and now that the dust is clearing..I realize my "vessel" has been abused. All those years of tirelessly seeking my education while working exhausting low paying jobs and then working so far from home, left me without taking much care of my own body. I began my weight loss regimen right around Thanksgiving.

It is paying off...slowly..but it's paying off. Slowly is always the way to go with good "stick to it" weight loss, anyway. It's been 6 weeks and I've lost only 9 pounds. A few weeks, I missed my goals..but in those six weeks, I have always seen something go down on that scale. I have yet to gain weight or even plateau. The inches are what amaze me, though. I have lost 32.5 inches in those six weeks, so I must be doing something right! The most exciting part is that 7 inches of that is around the biggest part of my tummy. SEVEN INCHES. I will honestly tell you that when I measured myself initially and saw that my belly was a good 50 inches around the biggest section, that I nearly cried. FIFTY INCHES? That's insane. It's horrible. But it was reality and it was what it was....and now, I'm never going back. I measured a solid 43 inches this morning and I've got nowhere but down to go! Once I see that tape measure in the 30's range, I might even feel human again :) 

Wonderful Day

Could today have been anymore fabulous?

Probably.

But it was pretty awesome :)

I ended last night with my first work out (which lasted a grand total of 15 minutes before I thought I was going to die!!!). I got all comfy in this amazingly comfortable hotel bed. This bed beats my bed by a landslide. You never realize how horrible your own bed is until you find refuge on another mattress :)

I got a good 8.5 hours of sleep and woke up refreshed and ready to start my day.

I was able to double my workout time from the night before and went for a steady 30 minutes. This was progres and pretty awesome. I had some nice lemon water to start my day and continued drinking it until I reached my goal of 13 for the day.

I felt awesome. I did not get sleepy AT ALL during training today...(which I normally do).

It's the small things that make your day, ya know? I can't remember the last time I felt like I was a part of a group. She probably won't ever know how much those small words meant to me, but they truely touched my heart. I had a great time at lunch with my super awesome turkey sandwich and salad :)  It was so normal..so common...so wonderful.

At the end of the work day, I stepped into my roadworthy shiny Jeep.

My bank account might be negative right now, but I know that it won't be for long. I know my bills are going to get paid. I know that I am making friends and beginning a beautiful journey to finally loose this weight and be the person on the outside, that I know I am on the inside.

I didn't "feel fat" or "gross" at all today, even though I know I haven't lost any weight :) I guess perspective changes everything: feeling in control is so helpful.

This wonderful day...was springboarded by my fabulous 4 day weekend. I got paid by the State of Indiana to spend time with my niece and nephews, my brothers, sister in law, grandparents, cousin, daughter, parents. It was a great way to spend my time. I haven't seen those nephews/neice/sis in law/brother "Pennsylvania People" in a year. It warmed my heart to see them. Spending time with my own daughter was great. We all played a word game and just had a blast.

I feel so lucky, so fortunate, so happy. I know I didn't get here alone.

Today in our training we talked about how when parents have "support systems" and lots of "informal supports" like family and friends, that they are less likely to be abusive to their kids or they are more likely to be able to get out of a bad situation if they do abuse. I know that I am so lucky because I am truely blessed with a large support system.

I may not always have friends, but my family has always been there for me. I love you all..and miss you so much while I am away in Indianapolis training.

Making new friends....has been wonderful. I can't tell you how alone I felt sometimes while stuck at home all the time and unemployed. There is a sense of normalcy and structure I now enjoy that I had been desperately seeking and wishing to attain.

Really?!?!

I've gained weight.

I think somewhere in the unemployment between the close geographical proximity to the fridge 24/7, time to cook "good" food, boredom and seditary couch potato syndrome that gaining a few pounds was a no-brainer.  I can now stand on the scale and marvel at the fact I am now bigger than I have ever been in my life.

Yeah, it bothers me a little bit. I've got big plans to begin working out in the morning now that I have a regular schedule and possibly the income to enjoy a gym (I just can't get motivated to do that at home or run around the neighborhood). But really, it doesn't bother me a lot...well....until I remembered how the rest of society views me.

I haven't gained a bunch: just 10 pounds really. Ten pounds being enough to keep me out of most of the clothes I used to wear when I worked in an office. Now leaving me with the question of whether I really should ask that much of my seams and buttons, or just go out and make the best out of a bad situation and get a few new outfits until I am able to get into some of my old stuff. I don't have a lot of "nice" office clothing anyway. I really need something a lot more professional and a lot sharper and really I can just get some quality clothing altered and tapered down when I do lose weight.

So off to the mall I went. First to Lane Bryant. A quick scan around that place and I realized pretty quickly they had nothing as sharp and pristine as I was looking to acquire. I really wanted a "nice" suit. They had a cute dress, but the sit down test sounded the biggest "no" sound I had ever heard in my head and I took that dress off as quickly as I had put it on.

I went across the corridor to CJ Banks. I quick tour in that place told me that I really wasn't so out of options I needed to give up and purchase something there. Not only am I in my 30's, but I'm not a school teacher wearing cute little embroidered sweaters.

...and really that's one of the three categories of "fat girl" clothing: There is "Dorky Teacher", "Old Lady", "Remind me how hot I am Youth"

Dorky teacher really speaks for itself. It's when you are looking for plus size clothing and when you look around you realize that everything in your approximate vicinity could have been worn by that English teacher you had. You know, the one who smelled like soup and lilacs. She was a total sweetheart but you secretly wanted to give her a make over. I always figured this woman's house was very "kiche". With some farm house themed kitchen, wooden rooster cut outs in the living room and some nice lilacs in the bedroom wallpaper that surrounded her bed. Her bed that hosted five hundred pillows she had made herself and embriodered. A wooden rocking chair in the corner draped with her hand fashioned quilts. All very lovely. All of it for "that" kind of person. At 32, I know I am not old enough to be "that kind" of person. I'm not real big on wearing her clothes or going through her closet.

Old lady speaks for itself, too. You know when you go into a store and ask for plus size, this is pretty much the bulk of it. It is filled with elastic waisted jeans and weird little sweaters. This stuff is so ugly, I'm not sure even my grandmother would wear it. Sometimes, I think I could pull off a few "old lady" clothes and make them look younger or cooler, but really that's a pipe dream. The stuff comes with an age minimum on the label and for good reason: when you are that old, you don't care what you look like anymore. Sometimes it comes in some "spicy" gold lame' or silver shine for a cocktail party when grandma wants to feel a little glittery for her holiday Christmas party being held at the retirement community center.

..and then there is "young" plus size. Oh the horror. It has to be the category that makes me THE MOST terrified. It's the stuff that "tries" to be trendy and remind you that you're awesome. The idea being that, if you are fat: you pretty much think you are awful. You think you are ugly and fat and have no self esteem. You think nobody sees you and you are invisible. So you have to buy clothing to remind you that you ARE hot or sexy and that you are in fact very visible. So the shirts actually SAY "hottie" and "sexy" and other "lift me up" phrases across the chest or the butt and are written in some neon or glitter real big. Seriously this is THE ONLY category of women that we feel we have to REMIND them they are hot or sexy. Seriously, society? You think I hate myself THAT much? I am going to have a bad day and think I'm fat and ugly and go to the mirror and see that hottie across the chest (where half of it is hanging out because..it's a plus size shirt an they assume that I want to show off my ta ta's to feel good about myself). Anyway once I look into that mirror and I'm all upset that I'm fat I get to see Hottie across my chest and I'm all like...Oh yeah, thank you clothing company, I AM hot. I guess I won't kill myself now.

So, battling these "areas", I find myself in Kohl's. I have a vague recollection they have like zero items that are professional quality that are for plus size women, but ya know..maybe times have changed. Maybe last time I didn't really find them..who knows. So I ask the woman at the front who looks at me and says that they have plus size pant suits "scattered" throughout regular clothing sizes. They are like size 16 and 18. She then pauses and looks at me and says, "or do you need bigger than that?" as an after thought. As if the ONLY women who are plus size are a 16 or an 18 and as if it is some kind of crime for me to be over this size because now I will be "harder" to fit. When a young girl walks into Kohls and asks where the juniors clothes are, I am sure the woman wouldn't say.they are scattered around here and there...6's and 7's. Unless you want something really tiny. Exactly how thin ARE you..because if you are smaller than a 00, we won't be able to fit you. NO....That woman would have quickly motioned to juniors and said it is over there....or better yet..walked her to it. She wouldn't have given her the grand inquisition on exactly what size she needed in the department of choice.

So then this woman walks me over to another employee and she repeats my question. The woman looks at me and says, well we have some dress pants in larger sizes. Or did you need the jacket? I look at her and say, I asked for a pant SUIT. So yes, I am looking for a set. Thanks, I'll look somewhere else and I walk out. It was insulting.

I wasn't embarassed or even mortified by my weight (because apparently I should be) but I was really just ticked off. Who are these women to pass judgement on me. They don't know what my story is and they don't need to. They just needed to GIVE ME THE FACTS. They didn't need to dance around them and act like this was a question that they had never heard before because it was so completely baffling that some FAT woman would want a suit. Fat women don't have jobs. They sit at home and eat food stamp derived chocolates while watching Maurey all day screaming at their kids to bring them the remote so they can be sure not to miss Jerry. God forbid anyone whose got any weight on them have...*gasp* .. a professional job.

I went to JC Penny's next. This woman was a little less offensive. After thuroughly scouring the dresses area for possible plus size dresses/suits and then looking through the plus size women's section, I approached a sales associate. I asked her where the pant suits were (did not ask for plus size). She just motioned toward all the "regular" sized dresses and that was the end of our conversation. Obviuously it didn't dawn on her that my body wouldn't fit into those clothes. I didn't care to even pursue the conversation thuroughtly. It was obvious JC Penney also did not value my business or have what I needed.

..and then my savior: Macy's. They had some really cute suits up to size 18. (I am now a "20" or "22"). I went up to the woman and asked if she had any suits in bigger sizes and she took me straight to them. I found a lot of variety (4 suits total..that is a big varity for a big girl lol) and I was thrilled. I even found ONE suit that was BOTH plus size AND petite. It was a 20WP. Halleluijah. One suit in that whole store was my size. That's a huge accomplishment. It fit pretty gosh darn well. A little long in the leg (Yes, I AM shorter than petite pants..my legs are a freakish 28" inseam). I will really need to get it altered if I want a perfect fit and don't want to step on them.

I also found a to-die-for Calvin Klein dress in my size. It was a sleeveless plain grey dress with a nice skirt on it. It was definitely a "staple" but was a bit out of my price range once you added in the cost of the suit. It's officially on my list to go back and purchase someday.

Society has enough contempt and anger at women who struggle with weight in society. If you can dress your body in clothes that FIT and look good .. you will look good in your clothes, no matter your size. When stores no longer carry your size, or make it difficult to find your size: this is a huge problem. Why is it that as a plus size woman, I only have a few stores in all of Lafayette I can shop in...and why most of these stores don't even carry what it is that I am looking to obtain? Do I need to go online to get these things? Sure that is an option, but how will I know the fit?

If I was a size 12 or even a size 14 in this society, I could find clothing in nearly any store in any area of town for any event in any style.

I want to loose weight for my health and because I know I look and feel better when I am thinner. Part of me, though...Part of me wants to  keep a hold of my weight just to put my middle finger up at the entire clothing industry and society in general and tell them where they can stick it.