Really?!?!

I've gained weight.

I think somewhere in the unemployment between the close geographical proximity to the fridge 24/7, time to cook "good" food, boredom and seditary couch potato syndrome that gaining a few pounds was a no-brainer.  I can now stand on the scale and marvel at the fact I am now bigger than I have ever been in my life.

Yeah, it bothers me a little bit. I've got big plans to begin working out in the morning now that I have a regular schedule and possibly the income to enjoy a gym (I just can't get motivated to do that at home or run around the neighborhood). But really, it doesn't bother me a lot...well....until I remembered how the rest of society views me.

I haven't gained a bunch: just 10 pounds really. Ten pounds being enough to keep me out of most of the clothes I used to wear when I worked in an office. Now leaving me with the question of whether I really should ask that much of my seams and buttons, or just go out and make the best out of a bad situation and get a few new outfits until I am able to get into some of my old stuff. I don't have a lot of "nice" office clothing anyway. I really need something a lot more professional and a lot sharper and really I can just get some quality clothing altered and tapered down when I do lose weight.

So off to the mall I went. First to Lane Bryant. A quick scan around that place and I realized pretty quickly they had nothing as sharp and pristine as I was looking to acquire. I really wanted a "nice" suit. They had a cute dress, but the sit down test sounded the biggest "no" sound I had ever heard in my head and I took that dress off as quickly as I had put it on.

I went across the corridor to CJ Banks. I quick tour in that place told me that I really wasn't so out of options I needed to give up and purchase something there. Not only am I in my 30's, but I'm not a school teacher wearing cute little embroidered sweaters.

...and really that's one of the three categories of "fat girl" clothing: There is "Dorky Teacher", "Old Lady", "Remind me how hot I am Youth"

Dorky teacher really speaks for itself. It's when you are looking for plus size clothing and when you look around you realize that everything in your approximate vicinity could have been worn by that English teacher you had. You know, the one who smelled like soup and lilacs. She was a total sweetheart but you secretly wanted to give her a make over. I always figured this woman's house was very "kiche". With some farm house themed kitchen, wooden rooster cut outs in the living room and some nice lilacs in the bedroom wallpaper that surrounded her bed. Her bed that hosted five hundred pillows she had made herself and embriodered. A wooden rocking chair in the corner draped with her hand fashioned quilts. All very lovely. All of it for "that" kind of person. At 32, I know I am not old enough to be "that kind" of person. I'm not real big on wearing her clothes or going through her closet.

Old lady speaks for itself, too. You know when you go into a store and ask for plus size, this is pretty much the bulk of it. It is filled with elastic waisted jeans and weird little sweaters. This stuff is so ugly, I'm not sure even my grandmother would wear it. Sometimes, I think I could pull off a few "old lady" clothes and make them look younger or cooler, but really that's a pipe dream. The stuff comes with an age minimum on the label and for good reason: when you are that old, you don't care what you look like anymore. Sometimes it comes in some "spicy" gold lame' or silver shine for a cocktail party when grandma wants to feel a little glittery for her holiday Christmas party being held at the retirement community center.

..and then there is "young" plus size. Oh the horror. It has to be the category that makes me THE MOST terrified. It's the stuff that "tries" to be trendy and remind you that you're awesome. The idea being that, if you are fat: you pretty much think you are awful. You think you are ugly and fat and have no self esteem. You think nobody sees you and you are invisible. So you have to buy clothing to remind you that you ARE hot or sexy and that you are in fact very visible. So the shirts actually SAY "hottie" and "sexy" and other "lift me up" phrases across the chest or the butt and are written in some neon or glitter real big. Seriously this is THE ONLY category of women that we feel we have to REMIND them they are hot or sexy. Seriously, society? You think I hate myself THAT much? I am going to have a bad day and think I'm fat and ugly and go to the mirror and see that hottie across the chest (where half of it is hanging out because..it's a plus size shirt an they assume that I want to show off my ta ta's to feel good about myself). Anyway once I look into that mirror and I'm all upset that I'm fat I get to see Hottie across my chest and I'm all like...Oh yeah, thank you clothing company, I AM hot. I guess I won't kill myself now.

So, battling these "areas", I find myself in Kohl's. I have a vague recollection they have like zero items that are professional quality that are for plus size women, but ya know..maybe times have changed. Maybe last time I didn't really find them..who knows. So I ask the woman at the front who looks at me and says that they have plus size pant suits "scattered" throughout regular clothing sizes. They are like size 16 and 18. She then pauses and looks at me and says, "or do you need bigger than that?" as an after thought. As if the ONLY women who are plus size are a 16 or an 18 and as if it is some kind of crime for me to be over this size because now I will be "harder" to fit. When a young girl walks into Kohls and asks where the juniors clothes are, I am sure the woman wouldn't say.they are scattered around here and there...6's and 7's. Unless you want something really tiny. Exactly how thin ARE you..because if you are smaller than a 00, we won't be able to fit you. NO....That woman would have quickly motioned to juniors and said it is over there....or better yet..walked her to it. She wouldn't have given her the grand inquisition on exactly what size she needed in the department of choice.

So then this woman walks me over to another employee and she repeats my question. The woman looks at me and says, well we have some dress pants in larger sizes. Or did you need the jacket? I look at her and say, I asked for a pant SUIT. So yes, I am looking for a set. Thanks, I'll look somewhere else and I walk out. It was insulting.

I wasn't embarassed or even mortified by my weight (because apparently I should be) but I was really just ticked off. Who are these women to pass judgement on me. They don't know what my story is and they don't need to. They just needed to GIVE ME THE FACTS. They didn't need to dance around them and act like this was a question that they had never heard before because it was so completely baffling that some FAT woman would want a suit. Fat women don't have jobs. They sit at home and eat food stamp derived chocolates while watching Maurey all day screaming at their kids to bring them the remote so they can be sure not to miss Jerry. God forbid anyone whose got any weight on them have...*gasp* .. a professional job.

I went to JC Penny's next. This woman was a little less offensive. After thuroughly scouring the dresses area for possible plus size dresses/suits and then looking through the plus size women's section, I approached a sales associate. I asked her where the pant suits were (did not ask for plus size). She just motioned toward all the "regular" sized dresses and that was the end of our conversation. Obviuously it didn't dawn on her that my body wouldn't fit into those clothes. I didn't care to even pursue the conversation thuroughtly. It was obvious JC Penney also did not value my business or have what I needed.

..and then my savior: Macy's. They had some really cute suits up to size 18. (I am now a "20" or "22"). I went up to the woman and asked if she had any suits in bigger sizes and she took me straight to them. I found a lot of variety (4 suits total..that is a big varity for a big girl lol) and I was thrilled. I even found ONE suit that was BOTH plus size AND petite. It was a 20WP. Halleluijah. One suit in that whole store was my size. That's a huge accomplishment. It fit pretty gosh darn well. A little long in the leg (Yes, I AM shorter than petite pants..my legs are a freakish 28" inseam). I will really need to get it altered if I want a perfect fit and don't want to step on them.

I also found a to-die-for Calvin Klein dress in my size. It was a sleeveless plain grey dress with a nice skirt on it. It was definitely a "staple" but was a bit out of my price range once you added in the cost of the suit. It's officially on my list to go back and purchase someday.

Society has enough contempt and anger at women who struggle with weight in society. If you can dress your body in clothes that FIT and look good .. you will look good in your clothes, no matter your size. When stores no longer carry your size, or make it difficult to find your size: this is a huge problem. Why is it that as a plus size woman, I only have a few stores in all of Lafayette I can shop in...and why most of these stores don't even carry what it is that I am looking to obtain? Do I need to go online to get these things? Sure that is an option, but how will I know the fit?

If I was a size 12 or even a size 14 in this society, I could find clothing in nearly any store in any area of town for any event in any style.

I want to loose weight for my health and because I know I look and feel better when I am thinner. Part of me, though...Part of me wants to  keep a hold of my weight just to put my middle finger up at the entire clothing industry and society in general and tell them where they can stick it.